If I were a super hero…

Okay, so, at this point America needs to cut its losses, right?

So, I propose a few different options.

#1: We get all the tanker trucks we can, go out to Iowa, suck up all that water, ship it out to California and dump it on all those damn fires, yeah? Makes sense, right? The whole “two birds, one stone” thingy?

#2: We place explosives along the border of California and send her out to sea. Get it the fuck off of the rest of the states before we’re all conflagrated. What about Nevada, you ask? Eh. If we mess up Nevada, we don’t lose that much, honestly. Area 51. Las Vegas. What else is in there? Reno? Bah. We can make that sacrifice.
Along those same lines, we take care of Iowa one of two ways. We either plant a bomb, or drill a hole, right in the middle, let it shower-drain itself. Or we dig some monster ditches to the Mississippi. Let ‘er all flow down and out.

#3: Then again, if the actual continental United States is anything like the foam map that I had when I was three, we can just lift Iowa up and out (using helicopters, duh), and either dump it on California, or toss it out in the ocean, where it’ll most likely sink and become a spawning ground for merfolk.

#4: While I’m at it, why not do the blow California off of the states, and drop Iowa out in the wash too? That way we have two more islands. Hell, why not make them prison islands, old school Australia style?

Speaking of super heroes, I advise anyone reading this, if you see only one movie this summer, make it Hancock. It is phenomenal. The previews do it no justice whatsoever, no words can properly describe its brilliance. But I’ll certainly try.

First of all, surprise, Charlize Theron is in it. I totally thought it was a chick that looked remarkably like her, until the credits. She’s thinner. Maybe a new haircut, I dunno. Regardless, she does a fantastic job. Incredibly believable and likeable.

Someone whom I think does not get the due credit he deserves: Jason Bateman shined (or is it shone?). From such delights as Arrested Development and Juno, he thrives as the straight man, mastering the art of the dry delivery, sarcasm without it thrown in your face, and an overall natural acting style that I cannot say many have nowadays.

And, of course, I must comment on good master Smith’s performance. Will Smith, who is becoming more and more a character actor with each role he portrays, rocks this movie. His character is so lovable and human, even when he has super powers, that the audience is routing for him even when he’s buying booze. Smith is Hancock.

And to the writers and directors: fuck yeah! The story is beautiful. Incredibly written. Revealing just enough information to keep you wanting more, and enough history when it’s needed to sate that screaming voice: “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!” The amount of suspense and build up to particular climactic events is carried out with such a precision, being interspersed with moments of comedy and others of concern for the characters.

Overall, Hancock is a fantastic tale of a super hero, a man’s quest for acceptance, and another’s faith in his friend. Go to it for the comedy. Stay for the story. Leave with tears in your eyes.

Also, Patrick Warburton cameos in Get Smart. Go to it for that reason alone.


~ by Cynik on July 4, 2008.

2 Responses to “If I were a super hero…”

  1. going to Hancock this weekend with J and his girl — I’m glad to hear that it’s worth the bucks! Option number 5 might be: tell the Army Corps of Engineers to get the hell out of the way in Iowa and let the river do what the river does (flood, aye?) … and put all the people stupid enough to keep rebuilding on the flood plain on the island we create out of California. Unless we learn not to try controlling Mother Nature, we are doomed as a species.

  2. Gorramit this lady’s brilliant!

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